Cooking

When it's clean and I don't have to stress. When it's not just for me but for friends and family. 

It can be calming even if I have all these feelings towards food, but I guess I seperate them in my mind. Cooking isn't necessarily me eating or me gaining weight. I also don't feel ashamed to cook food as I can do for eating it because I am a fat person. 

When I eat I can hear people think how disgusting I am. 

But as the chef I feel less judges, unless someone is wrinkeling they're nose at my food. Then I don't feel comfortable at all. 

One thing I often think about is how unsensetive and stupid people can be. Like even the one who screams the most of being a feminist shames other bodys. 

It can be anything and fatshaming comes in a lot of different shades. 

People tend to forgett that fat people can have difficult relationships with food. As I do. And again difficulties and sickness around food is also in a lot of differemt shades. There isn't only one way to have a eating disorder. 

I'm a fatty one, a jiggly one, but I have starved myself, I have fucked my body up a whole lot. Yet my selfharm isn't as importand? Or as noticed and people tend to speak rudly about fat people to me, around me. 

I mean I get that I can't change the world but that friends close to me are fatshaming and doing it kinda harshly... That really sucks.