Obsession
I wasn't born to be beautiful
I wasn't born to be pretty or sexy.
Yet, a hughe part of my world just spins around the obsession of trying to be beautiful. Trying to find what is beautiful and then mold myself after that.
I have tried to fit into different standards of beauty. I have tried losing a lot of weight, but never enough. I have tried to fit into the "plus size" community, but I'm not an hour glass or super fem.
Neither in the non binary or lgbt community since I'm not "gay looking enough" (I don't even know what that means).
I have thru out my life tried to find a place where my body is beautiful and accepted. Yet I just find new insecurity that goes layer after layer.
I get angry at myself for not starving myself, that I'm not outside as much as I was just a year ago. That I moved home and just became my version of jabba the hut in like 2 seconds.
But I wasn't born to be beautiful I was just born. And here I am. Stressing over imaginary things, when I should enjoy life. Cuz a body is just a body. A ufo to navigate thru this world to keep our minds solid in this liquid life.
I'm hurt that I look like this. That when I don't push myself into starving, Im not even eating 3 meals a day, that I look like this. And it makes me trying to push myself back into that mode of sick I was in.
And it's horrible because what am I telling others about fat people? What am I doing to myself that I would fight for others to be free from.
I hate this picture and I hate my body and I hate my mind.
And I hate everyone that made me hate myself.