I though I made my brother move

One of my brothers, my oldest brother A was a lot older then we were. I think he was around six when mom and dad got together and pretty soon he had a whole lot of siblings.

They used to live in Gothenburg and that's where I and all my brothers are born.

We moved out to Värmland witch is..         ¿Like rednecks for sweedes? And we lived in a very small village. 

Anyway. Since we were always fighting in ouer family, especially kids against mommy where we could get hit or what not since she had her mental problems. (yes I was beaten as a child, no we're not enemies today. We really try and work thru things rather then just give up.) 

But since all that jazz was going down I would run to A, I would ask him to tell mommy to fuck off in baby language and he would always take the fight. 

One day he and mom were really going at it. I mean screaming just a few inches apart and it was at the dinner table and I was next to A. And I kinda shrugged up because I was so afraid of mom.. And this always makes me cry. The pain in he's eyes are my torture til this day. 

But they were screaming and I was hiding, stil at the table, and my mother yelled 

-LOOK! LOOK AT YOURE SISTER! AFRAID OF YOU! 

He spun around and we looked eachother in the eyes. And he looked crushed. He looked like this was all the pain he could take. 

I didn't understand because it all happend to fast and since I was afraid I couldn't tell mom off saying I was scared of her. 

Just a few days after if not the next day he moved. We didn't have a chance to talk. I hadn't a chance to let him know I wasn't afraid of him because he was my hero. He was everything. The only one who never yelled, the only one who protected me. The only one that saw me. 

And he disappeared for years. 

We later moved to the city i live in today. We had an small apartment and one day me and my two brothers were watching tv. 

All of a sudden a man stood in the room. He was tall and had dark hair and was all bushy, pierced and tattoed. 

I didn't recognize him. And all of a sudden I knew who he was. 

I was so happy that he was back. The man who could keep us all safe. 

But something happend, or had happend and we just never... I don't know. 

I often feel abandoned from him. That he left me. That he forgotten about me. 

My three brothers have a mutch better relationship then I have with any of them. 

I just, never felt like I'm a part of them. And I just feel like in that moment, 

When we looked at eachother and he looked so hurt. 

I think it just kinda broke us in a sense.