My longing for children, and how people make me feel ashamed over it

I have always wanted to be a mommy. Since I myself was a kid I have dreamt of having my own family. I mean, from my childhood and looking back, now I know why that desire started so young. I was desperate for a family. A safe haven for my future children and for me.

So when I was younger I got to hear that I didn't know what I was talking about. That I didn't understand what having kids meant.
In one sense yeah I didn't I mean I was a kid, I didn't know about paying bills, cleaning diapers or what responsability was. I knew what sex was, unfortunately, because I had already gotten raped at that time.

But I knew what a family was, or what it "should" look like. I knew about love, and caring. About reading good night stories, running around with siblings in pretend gunfire on the yard. I knew about being a mermaid and I knew about looking at starts, about loving nature and animals.

When I got a little bit older, right around when I started to form my own feminism I got to hear that the only reason I want kids is because society told me that. That I have been molded by hate and opression to want kids. That it couldn't be my own feelings.

I heard that I wouldn't be a good mom because I'm sad.
That I woudn't be a good mom because at the age of 16 I didn't already know everything about taking care of kids.

Then I had a period in my life where I didn't want kids, or that's what I told myself. That I wanted to be free. That I wanted to travel forever and a kid would be in my way. But I wasn't following my dreams.

But I do want kids. I want a calm life where I get to paint, where I get to read bed time stories. A life where I go on adventures in the forest with my family. A life of love and security. Where I get to help someone build themselfs up and watch them grow.

But now, I wouldn't be a good mom because I'm poor. I wouldn't be a good mom because I don't have the biggest home. I wouldn't be a good mom because I might have a diagnosis. I wouldn't get rid off the mommybod and that would be bad too.

So all my love, all my knowledge, all my hardwork will ever be good enough. I will never be good enough for anyone

except for my future baby.
That would love me.

so fuck ya'll I'm following my own dreams, in my own pace