Selfharm and how I try and avoid it

So I have been selfharming since I was very young. And selfharm isn't always as clear as cutting or burning yourself. It can be other things that's in one's behavior. Like when I was 6 I was told a lot that I was fat. So I stopt eating butter since my mom always told me "Careful with the butter, that's what makes you fat.".

That's  a form of selfhate, a start to eating disorders and selfharming in a way since I was punishing myself since I used to love butter. Today I vomit if I accidentally toutch it. 

When I was around 11 - 12 years old I started to cut myself, and I have been selfharming ever since. 

The last time I did it was earlier today(so coloring my hair faild to stop me from selfharming this time)  and before that it was like in April. I have really tried not to do anything, but to many things that have happend the last days have just made it unbearable and today I exploaded. 

Now I have calmed down, but I don't want this to happen again. 

I asked in a Facebook group for help, that I need stressrelease toys that will help me fast when I get this desperate to selfharm. Something quiker to start with then all the preparations to draw or paint. I need something brainless that I can just become a void with. 

 

 

The group was very helpful and I have ordered these three things. It's "Thinking putty" that looks like this amazing clay that you can play with and pull and shape as you want. The other thing is Tangle Jr that I think will be perfect to have in my backpack or something so I can have it on the go.

 

 

I also have mobilegames that will help me calm down, these I downloaded a couple of days ago. The Lama one is called "Climbing Rock" and you're supposed to jump and land on the squares and just get higher and higher. It's nice music in the background, calm not so stressful like in alot of games

The other one is "knot fun" and you're supposed to just unknot the knots. It's really calming and easy so no rage quit. I love this game a whole lot.