Social gatherings and the anxiety that comes with it

Social situations can be so extremely challenging. It's not socially acceptable to talk about the stigma around being socially awkward aswell.

Today I celebrated my friend, who happen to be together with my brother so it was a family event. These social gatherings makes me exhausted.
I have to stay on top of my game during the whole visit, it doesn't come naturally for me to ,for example, small talk. I have to force myself to communicate at a steady flow, wich also gives me a lot of stress and it can make me gabble away instead. It's like I have to press a button to start talking but then I can't controll how much or what comes out.

And during a situation like this I can still think to myself "Omg Ala shut the fuck up, you don't even wanna talk about this why u gabbling again?" So I'm very aware that this is a behavior I don't wish for but can't control.

This is why I much rather hang out with the friends I already have and that understands that I don't always talk. I don't always want to talk. I fucking love not talking.

But as I pointed out previously it's also a hard subject to bring up. Not atleast because the person with the problem is most likely the only one knowing that these problems exist for people, but also because it's not polite to bring up a problem that ultimaticly says that you don't really like talking or feel comfortable with it. People take offense to that, a lot. They shouldn't tho, because it's almost never about them.
The sad realication is also that people can offten take you're problems and you wanting to bring them up as a way to draw attension, and then puts a negativity over it. Like a person is selfish or dosen't even try.
And it's not wrong or odd to wan't attension in different ways, but being able to discuss a problem is so importend especially when we're talking about diagnosis related topics.

It's not selfish to bring up problems you run into in you're life, and it's not bad to expect attension when you have a problem that you take seriously. It's about caring. Caring about yourself, and you're loved ones. Cuz if I don't give a shit about you, I woun't bring my problems up. And you wount have to care, but as family and friends it's importend to listen to eatchother, respect and accept our different struggles and differences in personality traits.

In my case it feels like my thoughts are tangled and abstract, just for me to view or express in different matters that I feel comfortable in (poetry, drawing, paintings and journals like this one). Im not trying to offend somebody, and I do enjoy company for as long as Im not to tierd. I mean, I love my friends and love to hang out with them. I just don't see why I always have to talk all the time.

I can also find it difficult to maneuver the dancing of a conversation, the balance between people interacting. I listen, and since I'm not living that persons life, I draw parallels to mine and after that I expect the person to continue the discussion on it's half but very often people asume that I wan't to change the subject to me.
I also find it hard to feel understood, I often explain things to the point of ludicrous that often piss people off. Or they just don't understand what Im saying at all and I end up feeling like a alien.

I lost my red thread...

well anyhow, talking is hard. And that's okay.