Sunday thoughts

So In order to understand my story I have to tell you about her. 
I meet her the first day in my new school, 2015 of August. The sun was shining and my family had just left to let me start my life in a new town far from home.

She came up to the small balcony that was mine and she reached out her hand

"Hi, I'm Lise. Nice to meet you"

She was beautiful, and for the next few days I could see her in the crowd of new faces, she would all of a sudden be next to me for lunch and when they made a group asignment that was across the classes (it was a small school) we ended up in the same group.

I was nervous around her, she was, is, so beautiful and smart. She's one of those people that read you where you stand and decides if you're interesting enough. I often think of her as a swan, she looks so calm and graceful that people tend to forgett to look under the water, where she is working to the beating of her heart. Where every thought is examinated til precision. She is always working, like clock work.

For the comming months we spent more and more time together. She even moved in to my room, we just carried her bed thru the halls and down the stairs. She would ask me questions until she would fall asleep infront of me and I would draw here as she sleept. I have so many drawings of her, and poetry about her golden brain that made her golden hair.

She asked me questions after questions and I never asked to much back. I was afraid that I would ask to much, and she needed to ask her way to move forward, so I let her. I waited patiently for her to peek in every crack. For her to look me right and left.

I fell in love with her. It was a platonic love, but it was love. And she had me head over heels.

I would fall asleep holding her hand and for the first time in what seemed like forever I feelt so safe, so at home. With all her questions she had opend up old boxes I had hidden in the deepest shadows of my heart. They were bleeding out and I would smear blood at everything I toutched. Even her.

We became dependent on eatchother, like we couldn't move properly without the other. But at the same time I could feel her move away from me, like she had found someone more interesting. My worst nightmare. I got more and more paranoid as the voices in my head screamed at me that I would always be alone. I would never be loved. Needed. Wanted.

School ended and we had a summer together running around, homeless with just a tent and the backpacks we carried. And by the end of summer we moved together to Skåne, and everything began to fall apart.

I was becoming worse and worse in my illness and she moved away from me more and more, til one day I woke up and she wasn't there. She had left and stayed at a friend.. The one more interesting then me, and I left to. I tryied to take my life and got hospitalized.
This broke her in two.

I broke us in two.

She visited me in the hospital a few times, she told me we couldn't live together anymore. That I had hurt her trust to the degree that she was disgusted by me.

I moved back to Dalarna and we didn't talk. I would get these attacks of náusea if I thought about her or if she would show up on my screen.

But then she texted me, she said she needed me. I went back to Skåne for a week to be with her. We cried and we talked. And then I went back home. This was back in April when I had just moved back.

I meet her in Spain a few weeks back now, and when I accidentally toutched her she got uncomfortable... I used to be one of the few that was allowed to toutch her..

Now we are broken, on different places on the planet. Missing eatchother, trying to put the pieces together without knowing how. We will never be the same, we will never be us.

I still love her tho, I always will.