The lie about beauty being important and the lie that you tell yourself

There is a never ending stream of pictures about what a body should look like. What you should strive for. A never ending force of selfhate and diets.

Riots of anger and frustration over beauty products, injections, objectification. Strong women with they're fists in the air fighting for so much more then to have hairy legs. Fighting to be free.

And everyone out there like me; fighting for bodies. And hating you're own.

For the first part; I don't even fully know what I look like. It's like I have dyslexia to my face. When I look at myself it's like it doesn't stop moving. The nose just expands, my eyes fall together and runs down my cheeks. It's like my bones is playing a trick on me. The person I look at, and the person in photos is not the same for me(my biggest reason to why I take so much selfies. It's like a ghost picture every time) . I have to ask my roommate if he thinks I look the same. It's scary sometimes, I can get stuck in the mirror for a while and start to fantasize about cutting my eyes out. Or draw a razor over my cheekbones to see if I'm robotic underneath. I pull my skin and try and wear it differently but it doesn't work.

And I hate my body, fiercly. I do really want to love it. I want to embrace it and love it like I love all other chubby bodys. But not mine, not yet. I have to be beautiful. Even tho I tell others they're beautiful just the way they are. I have starved myself, I have over eaten, I have vomited and I have exercised for my life. I have been hated by my mother for my weight, and now when she has realized what she have done she still doesn't understand truly how sick I have been. Few do.

Cuz I'm still fat.

My struggle in the beauty department (feels like it) will never be over. I will always have to defend myself. Tell people just how much I hate my fat, how good I am for starving, how long I walked that day. How much.... They hate me and need validation that so do I.

Even my friends are fat phobic in one way or the other. All of them riddled with they're own eatingdisorder in some way. All of them deadly afraid to grow fat.
And then they tell me I'm pretty. 

And then they pull they're fat. 

And tell me I'm pretty..