Future fears I think about at 02:07 am
Like I have this obsession that I need to lose weight before anything happens because I won't be able to really enjoy pregnancy 100%.
I will just be scared for every hospital visit, every comment that I'm killing my kid cuz fat, that I won't have a baby bump, that people will say mean comments and ofc how fat I'm gona be after.
That my whole purpose as a mother will be shamed and ridiculed because I will be so large.
I'm thinking about this because I really do want to be a great mom someday.
Aside from being fat, I have a bit of authority problems and I don't got any money to my name and that's about it.
That's about it to be a "bad" mom.
That I don't really care about money. I mean yes, it would be lovely to be able to live instead of just surviving, and my kinda living isn't extravagant either.
It would be nice to have it better then I'm having it now. But I'm also so happy with what I got.
If I had a happy accident I would be over the moon anyway and then do my best to make it as happy and easy for it as I can.
Since I don't belive that money is the most importand thing, why raise my (future) kid to belive that it is? Or walk around waiting for money that will never come instead of living my life, cuz I will never be rich, I will never be upper-class, and I don't care to be.
But also, I have my lover, we have ouer home, we are caring and kind and filled with love and a lot of children grow up without that. I think that's worse then growing up without a iphone.
But it's here my real fears kick in
That I wouldn't have any support from family or friends. That they would talk trash about me behind my back, or be "just really honest" just to be mean.
That they would turn something beautiful into sometging ugly. To turn life into death.
I'm scared that my baby will be something that leaves a bad taste in you're mouth after talking about it, just cuz I might teatch it somethimg different, just cuz I might not live in a big house with 4 bedrooms, just cuz I'm not scared to do it the hard way.
I'm scared that I won't be supported because I'm not like them, who wants to travel everywhere. I thought I would, until I realized that I wanted to flee, then I realized all I wanted was a home.
I'm scared because of the fear that my parents will look at my baby and think
This is her biggest mistake.