I'm so scared I can't sleep at night

I was born into a world that never wanted me. I was born into a world that fucked me and spit me out from the start.

There is no fair chance, we don't all live under the same possibilities. 

We like to belive that anyone can become somebody, that anyone can be successful if you just put your mind to it. 

But we don't have the same opportunitys, we don't have the same foundation. 

I have privileges, more then a lot of people. I'm white. I'm lucky to be a part of the minority that acts like a majority. 

But I was born poor

I was born a woman

I was born with parents who wasn't mentaly stable. 

I was born into abuse. 

I was born , like everyone else, into a world that doesn't help. That doesn't show affection. That doesn't show love or patience. 

We live in a world where it's impossible to be sick of you're not well. We're you can only get help if you don't need it. Where the ritch gets they're stuff for free, but the people struggeling is called lazy. 

I have tried to get help, but in vain. As people don't see people just machines with choirs. 

Because of this world that don't give a fuck. Because of the struggles I already faced and lost I know that if I fuck this up I'm gone. 

I haven't gotten any calles from my therapist.. I don't even have a therapist yet I just met the medicin man and another fellow and then it just stopped. 

I don't get called to any interviews no matter how many jobs I supply to. 

Im so scared about my studying, Im so scared of not getting the support that we are entitled to but have to fight to get. 

Because of no understanding they will look the other way when I say that

"Last time I studied I wasn't good. I wasn't in a mental state to perform. I was hospitalized and filled with suicidal thoughts. I was abandoned and homeless. I was alone. Now I'm back home and I'm really trying to see a future so please be that light for me. Let me study because I do really want to. And I need it to even have a future where I have a roof over my head and food on the table. Please just give me a chance. "

With all I have been thru, with the wars I have faught, with the loathing and disrespect I have seen to people like me. With what I see when I look at the world, with the state of mind in some people, I'm not sure my prayers will be heard. 

I have already bought books for money I don't have. I'm just waiting for an answer to see if I will get the CSN I need, and deserve. 

Otherwise I don't know what's left to do. If I don't get this I won't have anything to go from, no future. 

I'm just scared, and I'm so sressed 

And I know there is no one to catch me